BALD SAMSON TO MALIKI: WE MADE YOU A*!&#?!

For s e n s i t i v e handling. Top Secret.

CONTOURS: BALD SAMSON, AN UGLY BUGGER, A CIA MAN WHO'S SECULAR, A NEW VICE-PRESIDENT, AN IRANIAN FOREIGN MINISTER, AND A BOW-LEGGED GYPSY

THE NEW VICE PRESIDENT

Recently, Vice-President Biden said the U.S. will be placing pressure on the Iraqi government to enact reforms that should further national reconciliation. Meaning: let’s get some anti-Iran Sunni in the Iraqi government before the troops (mostly) depart since, once their number diminishes, the Sunni majority will flock to Iran and Syria. Not to mention that the Sunni World hates us for what the harmful idiots had done (and continue to do) to the Sunni in Iraq and Palestine.

THE UGLY BUGGER AND THE BOW-LEGGED GYPSY

Also recently, Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki, in the presence of the French roving merchant, Nicolas Sarkozi, told Mr. Biden off. He asserted that the days were over when the U.S. could push the Iraqis about. Meaning: we have Iran on our side and Europe is coming around . As a result, the harmful idiots are passe.

A CIA MAN WHO'S SECULAR

Ayad Allawi, the former Shia Baathist who turned on his buddies and became an asset of British and American intelligence, expressed his frustration about the Iraqi government being so sectarian -- so exclusively Shia, so close to Iran. Meaning: what a mistake I made. I’m of a generation that cherished secularism. Yet: I committed treason against my own convictions and sold out for a buck my honor. Should’ve taken that medical degree more seriously.

AN IRANIAN FOREIGN MINISTER

Then, most recently, Manouchehr Mutaki headed a delegation into Baghdad. From there he waxed eloquent about the “wisdom” of the current leadership in Iraq. He said there was no reason to discuss Iraq with the harmful idiots because, well, the security situation has so improved. Finally, he added that the current Iraqi government is able without help to spread security across the country. In other words: no one needs the troops of the harmful idiots. Hurry up; get the hell out. [Added: Mutaki, too, likely wanted to provide assurances to the Maliki government that Iran wouldn't bargain away its governance and shove Saudi-oriented Iraqi Sunni on it to please the harmful idiots.]

BREAKING AN ENCRYPTED PHONE CONFERENCE -- SOME FICTION TO TAKE YOU WHERE THE ACTION IS

Using a couple teenagers, the children of friends, SaudiPolitics has been able to break the encryption and listen in on a conference between Bald Samson and Mr. Maliki. Here’s a verbatim transcript:

“Listen, Maliki: you’d better give those Sunni a larger say in your government, you understand? We need them there to balance all those fucking Iranians you had take over eachc and every single fucking post in the ministries, I’m -- ”

“Hey, hey, hey -- Baldy -- Baldy! Who the fuck do you think you are, talking to me as you would a slave? Can’t your Israel Jewish brain understand that I am the Prime Minister of a sovereign nation? Who the hell do you think you are?”

“Listen ugly bugger, we fucking made you, asshole. Have you forgotten -- ”

“Yeah? Yeah? I fucking made myself, Bald son-of-an-ahbah [bitch, in Arabic.] WHO THE FUCK LET THIS BALDY THROUGH? ALI, MY ASSISTANT, YOU’RE FIRED!”

“Listen, repulsive–looking bugger – ”

“NO, YOU LISTEN; who the fuck do you think you are? You’re no longer the Vice President. What are you? Some fucking oil executive? I only talk to Mr. Obama. I’m not dealing with some rude has-been -- ”

“HAS-BEEN? HAS-BEEN? YOU FUCKING INGRATE! We spent ourselves into national bankruptcy to put you in office you son-of-a-bitch. I should’ve had our CIA lodge a bullet in your fucking Iranian ass -- ”

“If you don’t stop your insults, Baldy, I’ll lodge a bullet in your Allawi’s ass, your CIA man. You’re lucky we let him be involved in politics here. You bark any more and I’m shipping him back to London or sending him to join that other idiot in Crawford.”

“THAT IDIOT? THAT IDIOT? THAT idiot, asshole, put you in office and protected you there. What a fucking mistake we made not dealing with that Saint, the real President, Mr. Saddam Hussein, may OUR God have mercy on his soul. He fucking had people like you under his boot with a gun up your fucking Iranian ass -- ”

“Hey, hey, Baldy. Calm down. Calm down. Neither one of us can afford a stroke. Okay? You’re on blood thinner and I’m on eight different medications. Besides I have the French President here -- ”

“You tell that roving whore, that fucking bow-legged gypsy, to stop snatching contracts away from us. My daughter is in business -- ”

“Bald Samson -- relax -- ”

“I f -- ”

“Baldy: relax. We’ll give your daughter a couple of contracts. Relax. Okay?”

“Okay. A couple of contracts.”

“You bet. Say hello to the Israel Jews around you.”

“The fucking assholes! We would’ve had our boy there and you would've been the gofer you are in one of Tehran’s bazaars -- but for the fucking Jews assuring us that they can make Iraq ours.”

“But I’m here now. It’s over. Too late. The ship has passed. The train has left the station. The fat lady is singing. Three contracts for your daughter and a few for your other proxies. Just relax”

“Define ‘a few’.”

“four --- Okay, six!”

“Alright. Good doing business with you , Mr. Prime Minister. And congratulation on your win in the provincial elections.”

“Thank you, Mr. Vice President.”